Thursday, May 29, 2008

Planes rides and Jack Daniels--Part I

Just got back from "vacation" ala "the baby tour" and have 234 posts in my google reader. In part this is because I've been gone but mostly it's because my computer has had a VIRUS for two weeks. It's on antibiotics now and is doing much better thank you.

ANYWAY, so I could really talk about fourteen bajillion things for this post. Fun with pack 'n plays, so your toddler's in love with a dog, sleep training--get some!, another anniversary comes and goes, funnest (yes a word. back off) friend in the world--a. this one's for you, or journey into the seventh dimension of hell--four hours on a plane with a toddler and a baby, two seats. DAMN! AND I THINK WE HAVE A WINNER!

Son of a bitch! Now I'd heard from friends (ala read on other blogs) that though you need not buy a seat for humans under two it's recommended that you do so for your sanity and for the sake of the other 459 passengers on the plane. BAH! I said. We'll save $900 dollars if we just hold em on our laps! And so our descent begins. Good Lord.

3 pm-- Arrive at airport with babies and 965 pieces of luggage in tow. Back off Delta man eyeing me suspiciously, we're only checking one per person, the rest are carry-ons.

315 pm-- Approach nuclear x-ray machine with 963 remaining pieces of luggage. Security man eyes me suspiciously.

317 pm-- And so the undressing/disassembling begins. For EVERYONE. Really? Really?! My toddler looks to the be the type hiding bombs in her keds? My ten month old too? Bet that's been a real problem for you in the past. And IT'S FORMULA. You can swipe your bomb swabs over it again and again but it's not going to change the fact that it's not going to explode! Nevermind though, you just keep trying.

345 pm the next day-- Complete metal detector fun.

346 pm-- Notice husband has been detained and guards are searching one of his carry-ons.

346.5 pm-- I approach and explain that I packed all the bags. His included. If there's anything suspicious involved it's my fault. (How dumb am I? When in doubt blame the au pair! Just kidding Claudia. We love you. We'd never let them haul you away for packing those fingernail clippers.)

347 pm-- Man asks me if there's anything sharp in the bag.

347.5 pm-- I'm peeved that we've been here for twenty minutes already and sarcastically joke about the Dr. Seuss books inside and how they could be considered a hazard.

348 pm-- Man pulls out GIGANTIC SHARPENED SHANK from bag. WHAT THE HOLY HELL?

348.2 PM-- I pee myself.

348.7 pm-- Man is embarrassed for me and thinking what detaining room would best suit me and my "carry-ons".

348 pm-- Seriously. This thing was a foot and a half long, looked to be some kind of letter opener slash machete and had ornate carvings all over it. AND I'D NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE IN MY LIFE. Someone slipped a freaking WEAPON (letter opener/machete) into one of our carry-on bags.

349 pm- Frantic non-sensical explanations and profuse sweating ensue.

350 pm-- Security guard eyes me suspiciously AGAIN and then HANDS ME BACK THE WEAPON. Because he didn't think that it could do any "serious damage."

351 pm-- Mouth agape and shoeless I am left speechless at this turn of events. Does guard want me to hijack a plane? Is this some kind of test? Am I being punked?

352 pm-- I Bewilderingly look around for hidden cameras and/or swat team.

353pm-- Take shank and put back into carry-on.

354 pm-- My hand sanitizer was confiscated.

To be continued . . .


Tessie said...

Are you SERIOUS about the shank? I thought that only happened in MOVIES!


I have yet to buy a separate seat for my almost-two-year-old too. It's gotten better, but it's always a beating.

Kristin.... said...

Serious? A shank? In your bag? OMG.

Missed you; glad you're back.

Kristin.... said...

oh, and let me tell you some day about the hell of traveling to ITALY with a 4 month old and no seat.....

Swistle said...

This is KER-RAZY.

a. said...

Love YOU!!!

jennifer said...

"345 pm the next day" HA! I am anxious to hear more about your descent.

d e v a n said...