Thursday, September 27, 2007

My reasons are twofold, er three, okay six.

I've struggled with severe anxiety/depression for a long long time. It's manageable as long as I take care of myself. Exercise is NOT an option. It's not something I do just to stay fit (tiny lie) or because I enjoy cramming my patonky-tonk butt into lycra (not even a little lie). I do it because IT IS ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL TO OUR VERY HAPPINESS as a unit. Because if mamma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Nobody been happy in my house the last two weeks. We are still sick. This is day 11. Though we're definitely on the upswing my will to live has been dramatically depleted. I'm hoping to recover it someday.

Because of the aforementioned struggle my immune system does not rebound quickly. In college I was on a first name basis with most of the attending physicians in the ER. They offered me a punch pass card where I could earn free scrubs after x number of visits. They later recanted on this offer. I'm still a little bitter.

Long and boring story short, I went on Zoloft when Claire was born to help with the post-partum and still breastfeed. I went off it when Lily was born because I am insane. Right. So no exercise, no sleep, no Zoloft. We've hit DEFCOM FIVE people. Hold onto your butts and RUN.

I went off this craptastic little pill because it sucks the life right on out of life. I mean I feel NOTHING. Which is good in that I don't sit in a corner and cry for hours but am rather, a robot. Intimacy? Really? Really? No. Chocolate ball? Yes. (Unfortunately chocolate balls do not satisfy my husband quite as well as they do me. Cruel.) It's like Botox without the Botox. No good. So my options here are Zyborg or Hiroshima. Cruel again.

My husband wants me to see my OB, whom I LOVE (seriously. not even just a little love. big big love.), but every time I mention depression to her she gets all excited and starts talking about how good it will be for me to spend a little time in the institution. That's right. The institution. Like it's DISNEYLAND. I've never been to the institution but can't imagine that it's all that she thinks it is. Unless then have chocolate balls there. In which case, I'll consider it. So I can't call her.

I'm thinking that I'll just suck it up for a few months and go Zyborg. It bites, but it's better than the alternative I think.

(Just finished this post when I popped on over to Swistle's. I love this woman.)


Veggie Mama said...

Ugh. I have been dreading this thought. I'm due in January. I've been on crazy drugs in the past, Effexor, to be precise. For the first month or so, it gave me SUNSHINE! and FIREWORKS! and ROSES!!

And then I, too, became a dull robot. Which was, in and of itself, rather depressing. So off I went.

Worse yet, I've been suspected to have bipolar, which means extra-special crazy drugs. Which will impede breastfeeding.

Womanhood rocks, ne?

Jess said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jess said...

Oh Veggie Mama I am with you. I also rode the Effexor train, but went off it a few months before getting pregnant with my first as it is big time not allowed during pregnancy. It's a mean little pill side-effect wise, but produces some wicked results for anxiety. Sigh. Womanhood does rock.

Tessie said...

It seems...weird to go right to "the institution". Also, a leeetle bit funny. Not your struggles, obviously, but the "do not pass go, head directly to institution".

Jess said...

Tessie, I Know! She's really funny about it too, like she's sending me to a spa for a fea days.

I think she's just oober cautious.

Swistle said...

I was so happy to read this post. Er, that sounds wrong. I mean I'm so happy to read your experience with this.

One of the reasons I went off Zoloft is that when I'm on it, I don't feel like I need Zoloft. I'm totally fine! I'm controlling my emotions beautifully! So no need for this silly extraneous Zoloft!

To an INSTITUTION? That seems a little...extreme.

Marie Green said...

I feel the same way as Swistle of Zpill. I'm cool. I'm collected. I'm in control of my emotions and not about to crack. So then I think, I don't need zoloft! But in the end? I do.

It doesn't make me completely numb. I still feel really happy, or really sad or whatever, but I feel these things appropriately, and I feel like I can control my emotions, instead of my emotions controlling me.

Good luck. Maybe this round of Zoloft will be better/different that the last?

Laura McIntyre said...

Aww im sorry, i struggled with similar issues and its not fun. Hope you are all feeling better soon

Erin said...

Hey, you should just do the Zoloft. I've done it too. It's better than DisneyLand, right? I completely and totally identify with this post. And the exercise, yes. A necessity... not a luxury.